I don’t know where to start because I haven’t written in free hand in a very long time.
I just recently posted on social media about being from the midwest and being on the water, how it’s pretty unusual as a midwestern to be the one person that people see from land on the sea and all. Floating about, doing your own thing. If you think of the view of someone in the sky, flying a plane, they probably couldn’t even make out what you are from the height they would be at.
This semester has been a ride, it’s been intriguing for personal goals but lacking in educational goals. Rather than focusing on my classes I fell into the focus of submitting my writing and applying to a kazillion internships. (Which if you’re a writer or even a photographer, anything you’re studying, you know, it is so competitive to submit or apply to anything.) After that time of searching I finally fell in the hands of ‘The Wild NorthEast Magazine’ based out of Madison, New Hampshire. And after many long days at Corner Grind in Elburn, eating home made vanilla donuts and soy chais I accepted the internship and slowly began to put the idea of all things considered into place. Spending several hours applying and emailing and surfing the web, long story short is that I spent the semester trying to multitask on one too many things (even though I was able to accomplish what I wanted to in the first place) that I failed most my classes but succeeded in the professional world outside of school. It’s been hard to say if it’s for the best or the worst and which is better for me in the long run. In my mind I guess putting a resume together is the best thing I could start doing for myself. One of my best friends started that sophomore year of high school, my other, just this summer like me, my boyfriend, two years ago…so who knows when the right time is but I thought that if the time was here then it’s time to begin, right?
I had this argument in my mind about if what I did this semester was the right or wrong thing and if I’ve wasted time (which is a big fear of mine) or if I’ve used it to the fullest in my own personal aspect of it all. I think I’ve used it to (almost) my fullest, minus a couple things that happened along the way.
Tomorrow morning Connor and I leave for Nashville and from Nashville we drive through The Smokeys and Virginia, Pennsylvania, to get to New Jersey to help his family move and to celebrate many forth coming things. From there we both drive to Maine for the summer to live there for three months. In those three months I will hopefully score a job, either working the front desk at a whale watching tour to working at another local coffee shop, nannying, to something I’ve never done before. I’ll be working as an intern at the Wild NorthEast Magazine at the base of the White Mountains as their photographer, scouting stories, and scouting sponsorships. The opportunity is nothing I thought this summer would bring me and I can not wait to get my feet on the terrain in the mountains and on the coast. Connor will be working as a sound design intern at the Maine State Music Theatre in Brunswick.
I guess I started this post to catch anyone up who actually reads this. I woke up this morning preparing, in my mind and on paper, to start packing the rest of my room up to move it across the country. My dad did this exact thing in college. He drove alone across the U.S to Portland, Oregon for an internship. He threw the map out a couple weeks ago in which he followed and I was hoping to have it for myself to trace out where I went for my internship in college. I don’t know how he did it alone. If it weren’t for Connor being out in the East I probably wouldn’t have even looked out here for an internship.
May 21st, 2017
I don’t really think I gave myself time until yesterday to think about what I am doing. This happens all the time. Whenever I do something I usually am not comfortable with I don’t think about what I’m doing until I’m doing it and that’s when I freak out and get anxiety and question too much. Leading up until now I put every ounce of energy in me to get prepared for the summer away. I have been telling myself for three months, “It’s just three months”, so three months have gone by of me thinking that and they’ve gone by pretty quickly so that should be making me feel better.
But I think of what I’m missing at home, like my grandpa, and my dog that’s too old to listen. Or I think of my family and aside from them I think of how I’m usually the one at base, waiting for my chicks to get back in their nest for a bit of time and to be there to help and make people happy and laugh. If my presence isn’t there I get so concerned, sometimes subcontiously. This isn’t even about me!!! It’s about other people, it always is. I care too much for others. But is there a way to care too much or is it just that I care a lot? Too many questions, and my mind starts to explode.
You see, the thing is that , I know I can do this, I know I got this, I have it in the bag. I could totally go to this internship and live my life in the mountains and by the sea, writing, and taking photos, this entire summer, being a town away from the boy I’ve been in love with for three and a half years, get a local job doing something I’ve done before or doing something totally new to me. But I’m selfless and the reason I get so worked up about being away is because I know my presence will not be with these people and in this place where I know it would completely benefit being, always.
I have felt like it’s my job since I was ten to be the person in the room that will take the other person in their arms when they’re cold or sad or even so angry at me they want to kill me. I like being there. I think there’s this level that people kinda connect me with to comfort. I feel like the comfort block for other people and I now feel like that for myself. The thing is, is that since I’m always doing that for others, when others aren’t giving me back that comfort block or when no one else is around to give me the same or if they don’t want to, that’s when I, the comfort block, have no clue what the hell to do with myself because nothing is here for me to comfort/ make happy, which means I’m not comfortable…does that make any sense? And then I just fell alone.
I’ve been trying to depict why I have anxiety over the last three years and this is kinda what I’ve come up with so far. Of course the anxiety is my issue but it’s been brought on by how obsessed I am with being there for people and not myself. If I do one thing for myself during the day, I know that I’m happy and that I’ll be good until I sleep at night. If I can do five things for you during the day to make you happy and the following day and the day after that, I’ll be content as ever.
The only time I’ve really known to be selfish is when I keep going back to the same damn place to travel to ( which my friends can tell you all about, even though it’s incredible, you know, somethings gotta give) or when my intuition steps in and I get feelings about people and naturally don’t like them. That’s one of the things about me that I’m not a huge fan of. If someone does one thing to piss me off or that totally crosses a boundary, they’re on my shit list for a while until I can tell that they’re actually cool and I like them. That’s my fault. I also know I want to travel more but I can’t risk the idea of letting this place I’ve found kinda disintegrate with the Earth in the time I’m not traveling to it. We know, we know. Glaciers are melting, ice is melting, and I’m pacing around trying to figure out how to see these places before they die, kinda like how I feel about being away from home. I’m pacing back and forth in my mind with thoughts flying around like, “what if my grandpa dies this summer and I’m not there” “what if my friends get tired of each other because only two of them will be home” “what if my mom doesn’t have enough hands to do everything she needs to do in a day” “what if the sunset is so good and someone misses a photo of it” “what if tonight is the perfect night for a drive and no one is taking that opportunity with the bug”….. anxiety? ADD? I have no fucking clue, but I know how to sit back and tell myself to be quiet, breathe. That’s another thing, i know how to relax, really well, so why my mind does this is so absolutely confusing.
My best friend sent a video last night of her in London and that’s when I was coming to this realization of a couple things especially the idea of how my best friends and I have been away from each other since January and I won’t see them until September and I’m doing this to be close to Connor this summer and I’m trying to be there for a lot of people at the same time and it becomes impossible when now I’m here across the US for the summer so I don’t have to do long distance anymore. (this post really is me spilling about everything this semester) Life really has been great but it’s been really hard too. I gotta stop writing.
This is my summer and I just need to lay it out and not try to be too many people for so many people at once. I have to be here for myself. This summer is for me and for my resume and my contentedness and happiness. Gotta straighten out the plans, ya know what I’m sayin?
_________- what a rant.